This holiday season suddenly took a rough turn for me, personally. I am grieving in a strange way: my stepfather, whom I have little respect for and do not have a relationship with for multitudes of reasons, is dying. To put a not too fine a point on it, he was abusive and hurtful, while simultaneously being absent most of my formative years. Sure, he resided in the same house as us, but he largely kept to himself, tinkering with whatever in his motorhome parked in our driveway. I rarely saw him, except in the evenings when he’d come for dinner (that I typically cooked) and when we had company.
How do you grieve someone like this?
You also must realize that others might have a different relationship with said individual, as is the case with my two brothers who adore their father. That’s part and parcel of grieving what “could have been,” and while it’s horrible, there isn’t much to be done about it. Unless the individuals who experienced a different aspect of the former are willing to truly hear you out and are willing to see the pain, hurt, and broken trust, you won’t be able to change their minds. It’s like my mother said about my grandmother, “My mother and your grandmother are two entirely different people.”
You absolutely do not have to forgive them, as I have preached even recently that forgiveness comes after reconciliation, which won’t happen in this case. Nor will I seek it. I tell my patients that you grieve the relationship – the hopes and wishes you had for the relationship that were missing. You grieve the hurt caused by the individual, and you allow yourself the grace to experience the pain and the release that comes with it. You forgive yourself for any weakness, anger, frustration, and pain you internalized during the toxic relationship, and you allow yourself to heal.
PS: Don’t forget your red lipstick on January 6th, and Inauguration Day! Embrace rebellion!